So, I went to my second therapy session this evening.  I’m now, offically, someone who has a therapist.  I never thought I’d see the day! *laughs*

I decided, with urging (STRONG urging) from my husband, that now might be a good time to get some help for my ever-increasing fear of thunderstorms that really took an up-turn after being in the path of a tornado in ’95.  I can’t say I was “in a tornado” since it happened to skip the house I was huddled in the basement of….but it was close enough.  The block just south of the house was leveled (as in, the trailer there was flipped up-side-down and the houses were moved off their foundations, etc) and the house I was freaking out in had windows blown out and 2×4’s imbedded in the carpet. 🙂

My “therapy guy” is pretty awesome.  I’m comfortable with him already.  He’s easy to talk to and understands, now, that humor is the best way to get at me. 

Learing to be “honest” is something I’m having a hard time with, though.  I still try to censor my answers to his questions…still try to avoid some of the things that might influence his treatment.  I really, REALLY need to stop that.  But after having majored in sociology and psychology in college (one question he’s NOT asked me yet), it’s hard to fully relax when I *know* what the questions are about.  I suppose when I go back I should talk to him about that, huh?

The good news is that he thinks I’m making enough progress (or I’m not so bad off) that I don’t need to come back for a whole two weeks instead of weekly!  I *am* proud of how I’ve handled the weather lately…but I think it’s more circumstancial than it is progress.  We’ll see, I guess.

One of the things that we’ve talked about in my therapy sessions is that my conscious and unconsious mind are two totally different things.  My consious mind KNOWS that there’s nothing to worry about, at least, not right now….and my unconscious mind is screaming “I don’t want to die!  Do you realize I could die?!?  Why would you put me in this situation?!?”  Until he said that out loud I didn’t realize it….when he did, I laughed out loud and agreed…it’s just how I feel when storms are predicted!!!

I also didn’t realize until tonight, while I was talking with my therapist, that my recollection vs. my friend’s recollection (who’s house I was at) of the tornado are totally different.   I mean, somewhere I always knew they were…but to voice the difference while telling him….really brought it front-and-center.  I don’t remember any sound other than the freezer that was behind us turning on and off and thinking, “Wow, we haven’t lost power yet!” .  She remembers the sound of things hitting the house (“It was like shotgun blasts.”) and the wind whistling around any possible area.  I really don’t remember those sounds in the slightest.  After hunkering down, I remember her ongoing prayer, my “Oh, God!” prayer (that’s all I could get out), her husband saying something about “Are we dead yet, coach?” from the movie Cool Runnings….and then the checking to see if everyone around was ok, calling my hubby and my mom, and fixing a sprained (broken?) ankle from someone jumping down their stairs to get to safety. (I can fix that! LOL)  Then I headed home with my broken window in my car…stopping at my mom’s to make sure my step-dad was ok after finding out he’d cut off a finger earlier; basically right before all the weather broke-out!

I’m incredibly happy that I’m now in therapy for my fears.  It’s nice to know that I’m not some kind of freak.  I’m trying my best to keep up with what the therapist is advising as the next step.  Today he told me that, since I’m not uncomfortable with discussing what actually happened, he’d change his plan for me.  I’m happy that I’m not “that bad” and a bit scared that this might not work…especially after the winter months when I’m not as anxious in the first place.  I’m terrified that this will all go by the way-side over the fall/winter and I’ll be right back to where I started come severe weather season next year.  AND….I’ve not “tested” this new-found calmness on anything but “common severe” weather…the low-end stuff.  I still feel a freak-out coming if the NWS ever says we’re going to have a higher risk of tornadoes.

Yet, at the same time, isn’t at least a little bit more caution advisable if they are?